There's way too many reasons I could list on why I have not been able to write, one that we probably all experience when we have kids and work full time-- not enough hours in the day. But I guess the real reason is the fact of how difficult it is to articulate a year and a loss that will forever change me.
This past year was a tough one-- on April 16, 2013 I flew to Salt Lake City from Chicago at 9:30am due to land at 12:15 pm, I remember checking my phone just one more time before we took off and texting Chris saying "I miss you guys, can’t wait to be back. I love you" then I text my mom who was staying at our house with the kids and said "I will text you when I land, thank you for taking care of the kids, can’t wait to see you when I get back." While flying to SLC I did what I always do, got my laptop out and cruised through emails and also thinking of a few things I forgot to do or I will need to do when arriving. I remember thinking, Kike never text me last night I should text him when I get to SLC at some point. It was not unusual for us to communicate over text several times a day. At 12:10pm we landed, I turned my phone on and my first few messages happened to be from Chris, Bicho and my cousin Aro; they wanted me to text or call right away-- I knew something was wrong with kike right then because I would have received a text from Kike letting me know something was wrong with someone in the family-- he was always the first to reach out and let us know of any events in Colombia. I picked up the phone shaking-- Chris answered and I could hear his voice of sadness. He said the few words I have not been able to think about or type about for a year... "I am so sorry sweetie, Kike passed away" I quickly went into a state of shock, the airplane was taxing to the gate and I was in tears trying to understand what had happened and trying to process my next steps. A flight attendant help me out of the airplane and offer me assistance finding a flight back, there was a row of empty chairs, I remember seating by the very edge sobbing, thinking of my mom and my sister and how I needed to be with them, on how I w tell the kids. I was able to get on a flight back 1 hour later which got me home eventually sometime that night. I still remember that moment when I heard my sisters voice and when I saw my mom’s face that night. I wanted to make it all better for them I knew how much they were hurting--- bc that is how much I was hurting. That is a day I have had a hard time remembering and typing about. The way you look at life, at your husband at your kids changes completely... but more importantly the way they change for you... to support you, to love you more than you need in that moment to hug you and let you know-- eventually it is going to be ok.
It has been a full of year without him and although I have made peace with the fact that he is ok and no longer with us the toughest thing to go through is an everyday or special days without him, seeing my kids grow without him crushes me bc I know how amazing he was to them. It has been a long long road to today-- a year of tears of remembering but a year that has taught me some very valuable lessons-- a very important one... HOW LUCKY was I to have him for so many years, to share my childhood with a super fun wild brother, from tagging along with his friends to learn how to ride a bike, complex and animated crawling races through the hallway of our house, incredible journeys to setup traps to catch our parents be Santa, all our long nights of hiding from our parents to make it to midnight bc we thought it was so very cool to loving and tormenting our cute little sister... if he could only see her as a mom, he w be so very proud and full of joy... that is when I miss him most. I have SO SO many memories that will fill my heart with love and laughter forever-- for that I am thankful and a year later I realize we have all been so lucky to have had you for as long as we did... my total gentleman was my kike, always perfectly dressed the guy that you can count on any day any time! an incredible listener and a super cool uncle that left my kids with memories of good laughs and a crazy Spanglish accent.
Today I celebrate YOU and the road you have taken us this past year of recovery, the lessons that you taught me and the deep love that still fills my heart and soul. There is not one day that goes by that I don’t think of you-- the difference now is that not every day I cry when I think of you. May time heal the days I do still cry bc I miss talking to you and listening to your voice.
I will always and forever remember you my dear Kikacho... and I will always forever remember one of our last texts in which you told me "sleep well, travel safe-- I miss you" today I say it back "sleep well, travel safe-- I miss you too."
I love you forever.
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